Acid sarcasm about Clarence Thomas

A Walmart parking lot:

America’s preferred playland

An acidic WaPo opinion piece by Alexandra Petri says what I have been thinking since I read the ProPublica reporting yesterday about Clarence Thomas and his corrupt, sleazy behavior and jaw-dropping lies:

“I don’t have any problem with going to Europe, but I prefer the United States, and I prefer seeing the regular parts of the United States. … I prefer the RV parks. I prefer the Walmart parking lots to the beaches and things like that. There’s something normal to me about it.” — Justice Clarence Thomas, speaking in a documentary about his life, quoted in a ProPublica report released Thursday that Thomas has accepted undisclosed luxury trips from a prominent Republican donor, including travel by yacht and private jet, for more than two decades.

Please keep in mind, my fellow Americans, that each moment I spent on the yacht was torment! That is why I did not disclose it. It was not my idea of a vacation. Every second I spent on those magnificent islands, in those bucolic retreats, eating meals cooked by private chefs, I was seething internally, wishing I were in a Walmart parking lot.

The horrible private yacht

The terrible private jet

The miserable private estate

“Is everything to your liking?” numerous solicitous waitstaff aboard the yacht asked, and I sighed, dropping my cigar butt into the provided ashtray with a heavy heart. “No,” I said. “This — ” here I indicated the blue sky, the balmy sea breeze — “is not my idea of a good time, for I am a man of the people, with the tastes of the people, and I wish I were pursuing amusement as they do, by driving to Walmart on the weekend to make memories.”

A tear came to my eye as I spoke, for I could picture them so clearly, the happy weekenders, the salts of the earth who flocked to Walmart parking lots for their entertainment. Their children in the back seats, clamoring, “Walmart! Walmart! Walmart!” Their wrinkled elders, saving their pennies so that they could arrive at that cherished destination. Those parking lots are so full, always, and that is surely because they are a magnet for Americans who want to enjoy themselves.

Well, that describes me. I am not above anyone, except in the slight technical sense that I do control what rights you get to have. But you need not worry: I understand you and I am not contemptuously pandering to you: I genuinely think that you drive to Walmart for the delight of it! The simple joy of moving the carts around and putting them back, stopping at the little stop sign, and yelling indistinctly at your children not to run in front of other people’s cars! A classic American vacation!  

So be reassured, my fellow Americans! I am just like you. I am not ruling over you without remembering what life is like for you. I, too, put on my pants one leg at a time — with only the most nominal assistance from my billionaire friend’s butler. Every time I have eaten caviar, it has been with great distaste, as I loudly remarked that it paled in comparison with Dippin’ Dots. All the private jet flights? Well, they lack the comfort and security of a larger plane, and I do not get to watch the charming United preflight video or rejoice in the whimsical Southwest safety announcements, nor partake in the American family pastime of sitting in an airport (that heaven on earth, full of shops and treats!) for hours while my flight is delayed and delayed and then canceled. I am denied such joys. Do you not feel sorry for me, when you hear that?

And the yachts were just miserable. Awful. I bit into the meal prepared by the chef and wrinkled my nose with disgust, sad the instant I noticed that it was not a DiGiorno pizza.

I prefer to be where the rest of you — the rest of us! — love to be, which I assume from how much time you seem to spend there must be the parking lot of Walmart. Or an RV park! Yes, that is all I wish. The simple life.

So, you see, I could not possibly disclose any of these things, for they were not blessings but curses. These are the weights I must bear in my position. If someone with the power I wield were not meant to accept these heavy burdens, surely we as a court would have adopted a formal ethics code. But there is no need: It is understood that I take no pleasure in any of this. The American people need not worry. The yachts were suffering enough.

Note the exotic plants

Poor Clarence suffering for us!