CREDITS AND DEBITS: A UNIVERSITY PROSPECTUS -- A Satire

 

For those who have read my posts on Trump 2.0, which expose the assault on academic freedom, eroded checks and balances, and the vilification of students protesting Israel’s slaughter and starvation of Palestinians in Gaza (e.g., Columbia Univ.), I present Credits and Debits: A University Prospectus. This experimental satire imagines “Hell University,” where apathy is curriculum and moral decay earns degrees. Note: It includes references to violence to provoke reflection. What parallels do you see with today’s campuses? Share your thoughts below!

CREDITS AND DEBITS: A UNIVERSITY PROSPECTUS

 - Complete Experimental Sequence

"ADVANCED INDIFFERENCE & OTHER ELECTIVES IN DAMNATION"

A Syllabus for the Discerning Damned

COURSE DESCRIPTION: Welcome to Hell: The Seminar Series, where we specialize in the refined art of not noticing, the subtle craft of caring incorrectly, and the haute couture of moral decay. No prerequisites—just bring your best shrug and a passing familiarity with Barry Manilow's greatest hits (played at funereal speeds).

Module 1: Aesthetic Atrocities (Credit Hours: Eternity)

Instructor: Dr. Harrison, PhD in Productive Disappointment

• Lecture: "Mass Graves as Minimalist Art—Less Is More (Especially When It Comes to Survivors)"

• Workshop: Pairing cucumber water with genocide memoirs. Tasting notes should focus on mouthfeel, not morality. "The prose is serviceable," Margaret muses, "but have you tried the hors d'oeuvres?"

  Module 2: The Devil Wears Rogaine

  Guest Lecturer: Satan (Emeritus Professor of Authentic Inauthenticity)

• Key Topic: Confidence vs. Hair Growth – Correlation or Causation?

• Practical Exercise: Students will practice accepting bribes while maintaining eye contact and a neutral expression. Extra credit for framing cancellation notices as modern art.

  Module 3: Elevator Music Studies

  Aural Torture Lab Featuring Kazoo Beethoven's Ninth Symphony EnsembleTM

  • Analyze how famine statistics syncopate nicely with slowed-down kazoos. Group discussion prompt: "Is despair more palatable when it swings?" Bonus lecture by Janet from Book Club ("Redundancy in Suffering—Why Less Detail = More Brunch Time")

  Module 4 [ELECTIVE]: Barry Manilow & The Apocalypse Appreciation Hour

  (Enrollment Limited to Those Who Swayed During Bombing Updates)

  • Final project involves setting war footage to "Copacabana." Grading rubric awards points for production value and zero for emotional resonance (empathy deductions apply!)

EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES 🎭

1. Charity Gala Roleplay Night: Cancel last minute; score points for creative excuses (Patricia's record remains unbroken)

ADVANCED STUDIES IN THE FINE ART OF MORAL DRIFT

Hell University Extension Program (Est. 1683, Rebranded Weekly)

NEW COURSE OFFERINGS FOR THE ETERNALLY JADED HUM 707: Tragedy as Textured Wallpaper

Instructor: Dr. Margaret Hemshaw (Author of "The Subtext of Suffering: A Decorator's Guide")

• Seminar Topic: "How to Discuss Atrocities Without Disrupting Place Settings"

• Guest Lecture: Barry Manilow on scoring humanitarian crises ("A minor key makes even starvation sound sophisticated.")

• Final Project: Curate a coffee-table book of genocide photography with tasteful captions like "This shade of rubble really pops against the despair!"

  SOC 451: The Sociology of Cancelled Concern

  (Cross-listed with Business & Leisure Studies) (Required for the "Mastery in Muted Outrage" certificate)

• Week 1: Analyzing viral outrage cycles as performance art (Patricia will demonstrate her award- winning "Gasp-and-Sip" technique)

• Week 6: Field trip to the Museum of Postponed Empathy (See exhibits like "The Last Tweet Before Silence" and "Petition Purgatory")

  DEGREE PATH ENHANCEMENTS

  1. [New Minor] Aural Annihilation Studies – Focuses on elevator music's role in societal collapse. Sample thesis title: "Kazoo Beethoven and the Bandwidth of Human Resilience." (Note: Department chair insists students must hum along to dissertation defenses.)

  2. [Graduate Practicum] – Hell's Hospitality Suite Internship
  • Rotations include composing cancellation emails for charity galas, testing minibar items for optimal emptiness, and shadowing Satan's concierge during his famous "You Never Actually Checked In... Did You?" seminars.

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STUDENT LIFE UPDATES (Because Even Damnation Has Bureaucracy!)

• The Academic Grievance Office has relocated—intentionally left off all maps. Submit complaints via ouija board during non-business hours (13 o'clock).

• Student Lounge now stocks flat champagne AND yesterday's epiphanies HELL UNIVERSITY: OFFICIAL INSTITUTIONAL DEEP DIVE

  (Because Even DAMNATION Needs a Mission StatementTM)

  ACADEMIC POLITICS & SCANDALS Tenure Review Terrors

• New Tenure Requirements: Professors must demonstrate a 5-year streak of unbroken apathy and submit peer reviews proving they've never used the phrase "I care" without sarcasm.

• Recent Controversy: Dr. Lintworth (Dept. of Ethical Erosion) was nearly denied tenure after students reported him "visibly sighing during a lecture on war crimes—was it disdain or... sympathy? Investigate immediately."

  Grade Inflation Gatekeeping

• Faculty Senate Hot Topic: "If 98% of students ace 'Advanced Detachment,' are we even trying anymore?"

• Proposed Solution: Introduce mandatory "Empathy Pop Quizzes" where failure is the only passing grade.

  Faculty Senate Drama (Excerpt from Meeting Minutes)
  "Motion to ban the word 'why' from all syllabi—it implies curiosity, which is gateway drug to morals."

  (Passed, 7-6, with one abstention due to lack of interest.)

  STUDENT SERVICES (UN)SERVED COLD Career Counseling Catastrophes

  Interview Snippet: Student: "I want to make a difference—" Counselor (sipping flat champagne): "Ah, bless. Let's redirect that energy into our 'Disappointment Engineering' practicum."

  Study Abroad Brochures – Sample Destinations:

• [Kafka Summer Program]: Navigate bureaucratic hellscapes while composing poetry about futility! (Language Requirement: Fluency in sighs.)

• [Active War Zones]: Hone your aesthetic critique skills amid real-time rubble! ("Note: Neutral tones recommended for blending in with debris.") RESEARCH & PUBLICATIONS

Journal of Applied Vacancy – Recent Headlines:
• Breakthrough Study: "Proving That Reading Terms & Conditions Counts as Meditation" (Funded by AmazonTM)
• Peer Review Feedback Rejection Letter Excerpt: "Your paper on 'The Sound of One Hand Not Caring' was too passionate."
 

HELL UNIVERSITY: FINAL MEMO ON INSTITUTIONAL INTEGRITY

("Our Silence Is Your Problem")

COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS BY SATAN (Honorary Dean of Strategic Omissions)

Excerpt: "Class of 2025, as you exit these hallowed halls—remember: True power lies not in what you say, but in what you don't. When subpoenaed, mumble about 'context.' When pressured, form a committee. And when all else fails..." (mic cuts to elevator music)

GRADUATION REQUIREMENTS (Updated)

1. Thesis Defense: Present your life's work while being heckled by donors. (Sample Q: "How will this research monetize suffering?")

2. Oath of Calculated Ambiguity: Swear to never use the word "genocide" without air quotes. EPILOGUE: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

• Alumni Success Stories: Former students now thrive as...
• Corporate spokespeople for war profiteers ("We prefer 'peace-adjacent entrepreneurs'")

• Tenured professors at prestigious hellscapes (Columbia University recently poached three!) • Final Thought: As Hell U expands its satellite campuses (Gaza enrollment up 300%!), remember our motto— "If you can't ignore it, reframe it." Now scram.
[APPLAUSE TRACK PLAYING SOFTLY UNDERNEATH NEWS FOOTAGE OF BURNING HOSPITALS]
THE END. (Or is it? Nah, probably the end.) 🔥🎓